Yeah, it's official, I'm a control-freak. I finally moved my Jacob's Ladder blog from it's LiveJournal roots to it's own doman (jsladder.com) running the WordPress blogging platform. I know, big whoop... I had switched my main blog (lumberingthrulife.com or joebustillos.com) to it's own domain over two years ago and switched to WordPress over a year ago. LiveJournal had served me well for three years but I wanted to be able to control the look of the blog more and embed videos which I wasn't able to do with LiveJournal. Then, when I upgraded my hosting a couple of months ago so that I could get my EdTech blog (JBB's Desktop) back up and running, it dawned on me that I could be doing much more with Jacob's Ladder. So, at the moment I'm moving blog entries over from the LiveJournal site to this one (so don't be too surprised if the last entry is from September of 2005). I'm liking the randomly changing header at the top of the page and color scheme. Drop a comment, let me know what you think. JBB
Heartbeat Fading from the album "The Silence" by Pat Terry

Trust. Something we have to do as children, but something that is so easily destroyed as life unveils itself to be different from what we imagined it to be in childhood. More than that, what is so precious in a child, trust, is a liability for a teenager and even more so for an adult. When an adult is described as "childlike," it's often either demeaning or spoken with a sense of concern about how poorly such an adult might make it or succeed in the big bad world. Yet this quality of trust is what is most needed to "successfully" navigate a life of faith.

I remember having arguments as a teenager with the leaders of my small group meeting when they tried to tell me that, as parents, what they wanted from their kids was for them to grow up and become independent adults, and not to have some perpetual "childhood." So if this is what one needs to become an adult, why does it seem to fly in the face of what's asked of one who wants a close relationship with God: the simple trust of a child.

I don't know if there's an answer to these contradictory ideas. I do know that part of the scriptural call for child-like trust comes as a call against arrogant self-sufficiency or a life divorced from communion with God. For me, I find that I've been given so much already, that the idea of just sitting in my poopy-diapers of a life waiting for the Creator of the Universe to wipe my butt dishonors what He's already done for me. I don't assume that I have all the answers or that I have all the means to "make it happen" within myself but I also feel like the call on my life is not to sit in some spiritual high-chair waiting to be fed like a newborn.

I guess it comes down to having that essential communion with our Heavenly Father that is simultaneously humbling and terrifying while also being affirming and enriching. As with many or most things, it is not one thing but a combination of seemingly contradictory things. Thus, one is foolish if one thinks one has complete control or can even manage complete control of ones life. But equally wrong-headed is the thought that we are perpetual helpless newborns, capable of nothing more that eating, shitting, sleeping and lots of crying. I know my own maturation is entirely uneven and often more regressive than progressive. But even my circuitous spiritual development has led me, after a fashion, forward. The Lord has invested too much in me for it to be otherwise. If I have been properly trained and discipled than I do the will of our Heavenly Father without requiring that I am little more some kind of spiritual marionette. JBB

When I was a kid, my siblings and I enjoyed reading Peanuts comics and being the eldest boy, I identified with Charlie Brown. I really didn't know what "wishy-washy" meant but Charlie Brown's propensity toward bad luck and self doubt was something I very much understood. As an adult I can muster up an air of confidence on ocassion, but under the surface I have no illusion that I will ever have more answers than questions. Usually that's not anything to worry about, but it can be down right debilitating when it comes to matters of Faith.

All it takes is an evening listening to some stand-up comedian and I find myself wondering about whose version of "the Truth" is closer to the real thing. This questioning/critical nature has served me well when it comes to staying open and having a "learner's" heart. But this does kind'a disqualify me when it comes to defending the faith or being anyone else's "guide to the truth." I very much look at it from the basis of "this is what works for me, but your mileage may vary." Does this make me wishy-washy? I genuinely do not know.

I mean, over the centuries nations have waged wars over "Faith Issues" and even today it's difficult to know if the fundamental Islamists are more pissed because the West doesn't bow to Allah or because, by their standards, we're rediculously rich. Is it a personal/cultural flaw that my life generally doesn't hang in the balance because of my faith or how "well" I follow it's tenats?

Bill Mahr, not neccesarily the most philosophical of comics, more or less laid it on the line that God is so much greater than our ability to understand that no one knows. And so we might as well be honest with our "tendancies," which for him seems to be to fuck as often as possible. One point he understandibly found fault was with Christian athletes going on about how God was with them in their victory. It does seem a bit ridiculous that the creator of the universe would intervene in something so "made up" as a game. I mean, if my team wins does it mean that "their Christians" were less favored by our Heavenly Father? And if this is true with the trivial, does it also hold true with the equally made up disputes between aggreived rebels and nations? It all seems ridiculous.

I guess I'm just one of these weirdos who actively believes in God, but also questions our limitations and cultural assumptions about religion and God. I mean, one of my favorite movies over the past couple years was the "What the Bleep Do We Know!?", where the idea of a anthropomorphic deity choosing sides and looking down on "his people" is laughed at. I know what seems to work for me and it's somewhere in between my need for a benevolent Creator who wants to have a relationship with me and an understanding that this entire planet and all who creatures who have lived on it are of no meaningful consequence in view of the vast emptiness of the known universe. I guess this openness would make me a pretty shitty pastor (bad vocabulary notwithstanding). JBB

Music: CrankyGeeks 061 from the album "Cranky Geeks for the iPod Video" by Ziff Davis Media

I met with one of my pastors earlier this week to talk about what things can be done to improve the church website (I recommended doing something like Geeklog). Blah, blah, blah. Then he asked me, " So Joe, what's your story?" Let's see, how many friends have I chased away with horrendously long renditions of my life story? Fortunately for both of us, he and I had to be somewhere else so that limited the breadth and "agony" of this re-telling of "what Joe's been doing for the past five years."

One good thing that came out of this conversation was that it reminded me of something I wrote on a web-page just as I was coming into this experience of Love that would so completely change my life. And even though the relationship seems to have run its course and I'm currently not with the person who was at the center of this very long whirlwind, the things that I was beginning to learn and wrote about still hold true. My struggle for the past few month has been to remember and hold on to all of the good things that I've learned despite how things have turned out. Some days are harder than others...

I almost think that I've come full-circle now. Almost fifteen years ago I wrote an article about following the "Logic of Feelings." At the time the argument was that it was important to not dispel "feeling's message" just because it lacked something in the way of being "objective truth," and that it's okay to determine the course of ones own life with the assistance of said feelings. It was hardly a mission statement but it was a good place to start.

Using Steven Covey's "Beginning from the Ending " model, I've created my own extended obituary:

When I'm gone I'd like my friends and family to remember my love for seeing the humor in everything (rule 6, or was that 69). While this humor had its roots in an insecure boy's avoidance/defensive mechanism, it found it's full voice in an older man's understanding that the difficulties and tragedies that would rob us of our smiles merely hide the much greater reality, full of wonderment and limitless possibilities. And sometimes the only answers for life's irritating queries is just to laugh at it all.

When I'm gone I hope that my friends and family see that a good measure of this humor came from my love of language. I can only imagine that my elementary school teachers would never believe that this stubborn nine-year-old, who hated reading and refused to look at anything more "literary" than LIFE Magazine and National Geographic during library time, would have been proud, in his later years, to call himself a life-long learner. In the space of about seven-years the reluctant third-grader became a knowledge-thirsty high school sophomore willing to plow through Elizabethan English and the King James Bible to satisfy his thirsty soul. In fact this language-laden quest would lead that sophomore through a "literary" Bachelor's Degree in Biblical Studies and then a second Bachelor's in Journalism.

Then there's the music. When I'm gone I hope that my friends and family remember the important role that playing and writing music had for me. Actually learning to play guitar as a teenager and stumbling into songwriting (because nothing out there seemed to reflect the way I felt) forced me to learn how to articulate feelings and communicate within a very specific and narrow bandwidth (my budding musicianship). Performing said music, first with my first writing partner and then later solo, taught me a lot about communicating by listening first for the audiences' response. I also learned to not let the number of faces intimidate me, but rather to find a few faces to focus on and let them unconsciously speak for their neighbors.

Then there are those faces in the crowd . . . What are the words and music and humor without those special people, friends and family, who connect with ones small voice crying in the wilderness. All of it, the accomplishments, the accolades, the insights, and the learning are completely worthless and meaningless without the knowing smile, the supportive hand squeeze, and the simultaneous glance. When I am gone I hope that you embrace the memory of our times together and how my life would have been so vacant and empty with you in it.

Most important to me are the small faces in the crowd. Maybe it comes from being part of a moderately large family, maybe it comes from never having grown up myself, maybe it comes from understanding that all of creation exists behind those little eyes, in their hearts and hands, that there is nothing more important than doing my part in their life's journey. When I am gone, they and their children and their children's children will be a testament as to whether I did the job that I loved so much.

Then there is the benefit of having lived at this time in history, in this place, with these opportunities and, of course, with all of these great toys. "For whom much is given, much us expected." While I've used that quote to motivate myself to gear myself toward the service of others, I also use it to recognize the wealth of technology and access to it that has/had been dumped in my lap. When I am gone I hope that my friends, family and colleagues remember that I was always captured by the wonderment of our species' creativity at having made these things. In my enjoyment, however, I hope they remember that I never let the toys or their shininess become more important than the little hands that would use them or the hands that created them (including my own).

Thus when I am gone I hope that my friends and family remember the smile in my eyes and my willingness to turn something on its head so that we could all have good laugh over it. I hope that they remember that my life was about building into the future by helping my students and associates integrate the complexities of our technological existences with our human endeavors for companionship, meaning and community. I hope that they revel in my love of writing and for communicating and how fascinating I found each of them and our whole species. I hope that they remember how I loved my role as observer, as teacher, as brother, and as lover. I hope the vista of these memories amazes them in its simple beauty and stays with them because of its deep complexities.
JBB

"Everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48 (NIV)

Taking care of my gifts:
Health
I'm no use to anyone else including myself if I don't take care to maintain my physical health with proper diet, proper exercise and proper rest. Of course the cool part is that the better I do at this the greater energy I have for the other stuff.

Heart/Head
I'm no use to anyone else including myself if I don't invest in my own emotional and mental health through frequent reflection and meditation on my core values and beliefs and interaction with my significant other, my family, my primary friends and associates.

Well-tuned instruments
I cannot share or help others if I haven't first spent the time and energy needed to maintain and develop my talents. I need to spend time every day writing and reflecting. I need to spend time every day listening and being a participant in the lives of those closest to me. I need to spent time every day playing my guitar to continue to develop and maintain the voice that I first discovered almost thirty-years ago. I need to spend time every week investigating and reading to maintain my technology troubleshooting/problem solving skills. I need to spend time every couple of months creating web or video projects. I need to spend time every couple of months meeting and working with people with similar communication drives or interests. I need to spend time (quarterly?) publishing or presenting my projects and materials to my associates and supporters.

Giving Back:
Home/Not Home
I know that some of my contemporaries make great efforts to keep their personal and professional as separate as possible and take great pride in that. But, because I tend to work across so many different skill sets on so many different projects, I prefer to let my personal life and profession life overlap as much as is possible or reasonable. This is not to say that I'd let my students suffer because of difficulties at home (the mom/dad-to-kid-to-dog-to-cat chain reaction), but wherever possible the lessons or insights of my or their home experiences needs to be a part of our learning community. My "role" as an educator is actually a skill (or collection of skills) and lives along side my other skills (often confused as roles) to afford me the means to live in the different areas of my life. But I am the same person and I know that I benefit and my students or associates benefit the more I pull together all of my resources to support them in their learning and endeavors.

Living in the Moment
Whether I'm answering a printer question on the phone or a seven-year-old wants to tell me what movie he saw with his older brother over the weekend, I need to be there for that person in that moment. Because I believe that all of creation exists behind those little eyes, in their hearts and hands, and one cannot tell how the gift of ones attention can effect the lives of these little ones, there is, therefore, nothing more important than doing my part in their life's journey. Now, because there are frequently forty little ones vying for my attention I cannot be in the moment for that one person to the exclusion of all the others. So there are certain balance limitations at work here.

This also means that I need to be there for those little and big ones whom I'm related to, just as with those who call me "Mr. Bustillos." And those whom I'm related to would be well-served to understand that there should be no conflict in my being there for them or for my students because one does not diminish the other. In this case, the more I give, the more I have to give.

Balancing the "Then," the "Now," and the "Later"
Like the sub-floors and pillars driven deep into the earth below great building, I know that what we wish to build into the future is frequently determined and shaped based on what we have built in the past. This goes for organizations as well as individuals. New administrators would do well to fully understand where their staff and organization has been before making changes, rather than to imagine to sweep away the past through executive order and then wonder why no one is following through with his/her edicts. At the same time, because of our capacity to create and change, we cannot afford to allow ourselves to be limited to the dictates of the past, especially if we did not have a full, active role in creating those dictates.

Now it's certainly true that there is nothing that one can do about the past and that the future is, in fact, unknown. But we cannot allow ourselves to suffer from the tyranny of the "Now." Because most of our lives are full, well passed overflowing, we need to be aware not to let the endless stream of "just one more thing" completely fill and commandeer the sum total of our lives. This means that today's actions and demands (the "Now") needs to be properly balanced with time for reflection (the "Then") and time for planning (the "Later"). What this means in terms of a mission statement is that I need to provide for myself and those whom I'm leading adequate time to plan and then adequate time to reflect after project completions. JBB

Matt. 26:1-16 - Intentions

Having finished teaching the disciples “all these things” Jesus reminds them of his intended destination, the cross. Interestingly Matthew doesn’t record the disciples reaction (at least not here). At the same time the religious rulers plot to bring Jesus down, but it is not their intention to do it when it might create a riot situation.

Along the way to the cross Jesus stopped in at the house of one Simon the Leper. In Luke’s version of the incident (Lk. 7:36-50) Simon was a Pharisee who had been seeking to have Jesus come to his house to eat, an act to share in Jesus’ glory. Interestingly Matthew gets into none of that and focuses more on the woman pouring the precious ointment on Jesus’ head and the disciples’ negative reaction.

Here was an act of great sacrifice, no doubt more than a little excessive, but from the heart of this woman. And this sacrifice was almost completely dismissed by those who had been closest to the Messiah who was, in just a few days time, going to also pour out all that He was for them. They were thinking in terms of what they probably thought would have been enlightened Kingdom practicality, with great and no doubt genuine concern for the poor among them. But they were completely missing the bigger picture.

One of the things I find interesting is that we know what Jesus is thinking about, his appointment with the cross. We know what the religious rulers are thinking, to put Jesus away, but at a time that suits them. We know what the disciples are thinking, excessive behavior shouldn’t be tolerated and one needs to be practical and socially responsible. What I really find interesting is whether the woman was really thinking about Jesus’ appointment with death and the cross when she poured the perfume on him. Jesus said that she did it in preparation for his burial because he sees the larger picture (as opposed to the disciples’ small mindedness). My first thought was that she was more likely doing this as a gesture of love and sacrifice and may not have even been aware that Jesus had been telling his disciples that he was going to Jerusalem to die. In Luke’s version of a similar story (Lk. 7.36-50), which takes place earlier in Jesus’ ministry, he uses the incident as means to teach that forgiveness and the Love of God are greater than the limitations of proper social etiquette. Here I get the impression that, regardless of what the different parties intend, larger things have been set in motion and they are all heading to the cross whether they acknowledge this or not.

Now, if the woman poured out the perfume with full knowledge of Jesus’ appointment with death, then her act speaks of an even deeper level of understanding, devotion and sacrifice. At a time when the disciples were still vying for position, going so far as to have their mother ask Jesus to have him appoint them places of honor on his left and right when He takes his place as King and are ogling at the size of the temple buildings and buildings of Jerusalem, this woman poured out her love and sacrifice, identifying herself (and probably her family) with the what he was about to do. If she understood what she was doing than she stood beside her Messiah unlike the disciples, especially Judas, who shortly after this pressed what he thought was his advantage and made a deal to turn Jesus over to the scheming religious rulers.

All parties acted with specific intentions in mind. But Jesus’ destiny to pour himself out on the cross took precedence. And if this woman knew this and poured the precious perfume on him, then this is a picture of devotion and love that goes far beyond the petty self-interests of those around her and her Messiah. JBB 3/18/2007

Accordance Training @ Fuller Seminary
Mac/Computer & Bible geeks in one space... how scary is this? Beyond the scariness of being among persons who qualify as geeks in two realms, this is a bit dangerous for me in that I'm feeling the pull of this life that I used to live over twenty years ago when I was a student here at Fuller. At lunch I walked around campus and downtown to get a sandwich. Alas, nothing was open on campus so I wasn't able to go into the student center or cafeteria where I used to have lunch or break-time but the walk was nostalgic nonetheless. More than that, this visit made me pause and contemplate the course of my life.

Part of me was thinking that I need to get my paperwork in to Pepperdine to continue and finish my work on the Ed.D., and at the same time wondering if i couldn't begin taking some classes here at Fuller or Biola. Yeah, even Biola. Juls reminded me that as a alumnus I'm entitled to take a course for free and gave me a hard time because she felt that I didn't respect the education I got there. Ack. I don't know. I loved my time at Biola, but when it was time to move on to graduate work I was more attracted to Fuller than Biola. I guess I was (and probably still am) a "critical/scholarly" snob. Sad thing is that all of that went away when my marriage went away. I got very lost and I don't doubt that some would say that I'm probably still very lost.

Anyway, just thinking about continuing my graduate work in theology while finishing the Ed.D., I had to remind myself that it's not something for me to contemplate as if I were doing this on my own. That was the mistake that I made in the last go around, I was trying to do on my own without considering my community in this endeavor. I mean, if God wanted me to do this than a way would be made for me to do it and I have clearly seen that one thing I've erred in greatly was trying to do things without the benefit of interdependent relationships as part of the task. I was watching a couple of guys unloading their car in the parking lot next to the student residences and again I was reminded of the importance of others in this journey. No one does it alone.

As for today's seminar, It's really brilliant for Oaktree Software to do this all-day seminar. It's like an all-day info-mercial, and I mean that in the best possible way. I've previous written about this macintosh software collection (see "Bible Stuff & Community"), but it basically takes the power of having one's whole library of sources and reference tools and wraps it around ones study of the actual Bible text that it feels completely natural. I'm not so much running around a virtual library or collection of disconnected e-books as much as feeling linked to what other sources might say about the passage currently under consideration. Anyway, the instructor, Dave, went through all of the features, step-by-step, getting down to doing linguistic analysis of the texts in the Greek or Hebrew. Far too much power for a amateur such as myself, but I was sitting next to a first year M.Div. student who was literally calculating how he might find a way to afford this software, and he didn't even own a mac (so that had to be factored into his calculations). The presentation was so good that I was considering buying the Scholar Collection, but I just couldn't see myself wending my way through four different versions of the Greek text or however many version of the Hebrew Old Testament they had. I could, however (or unfortunately), see myself upgrading from my Introductory level to the full featured Premier level which added a lot more commentaries and references sources (and an annotated version of the Greek & Hebrew) for a lot less than the Scholar collection I'd been drooling over. Ack. It's a scary thing when one chooses to combine mac/tech geeks and bibles geeks... but I love it. JBB

Matt. 25:31-46 The Parable of the Final Judgment

This image of Jesus separating the good people from the bad people, like a shepherd separating sheep from goats, is something that I remember as a Catholic kid growing up. It expressed the kind of relationship that I thought we had with God, him being the judge and we the helpless animals awaiting judgment. There was so much fear about not being good enough, of going to that bad place because I hadn’t done or wasn’t doing the right things. It probably didn’t help that the words, “Can’t you do anything right?!” spoken by my father rang in my childish ears.

I had actually figured out as a nine- or ten-year-old, that my eternal destiny was dependent on whether I was caught being good or being bad when I died, like randomly hop-scotching between a square marked “Good” and one marked “Bad.” And given that I was just as likely to be doing something Bad as I was doing something Good it all seemed pretty random to me and more dependent on when I died instead of whether I was really Good or Bad. Of course, that pretty much changed when I became a teenager and began to explore my sensual appetites, then all i did was “Bad.”

Funny how, after becoming a Christian this need to be “good enough” still persisted. But this passage is not about being good enough or even about doing the right thing. It’s a parable about how different things will be in the Kingdom of God. First is that Jesus will sit as King upon a throne instead of being this largely rejected itinerate prophet. The next thing is that one will not be judged on the basis of personal public piety, but one will be judged on the basis of ones hidden acts of kindness. How we treat one another is more important than prayers in the synagogue or other outward displays of righteousness. The care and concen for others, that comes from the heart, is what the King is looking for from his subjects. “Good enough” doesn’t even enter into it.

Again, it’s not about the self but about our relationships with one another. In the Kingdom the good that we did for one another is what is most important. It’s pretty antithetical to the typical modern existence of living with ones head down, focusing on achieving some important business or career goals and not letting anything or anyone distract from reaching those goals. What’s the point, if one has done it all with no regards for those in ones life or those desiring to be in ones life? More importantly, we serve the King when we serve one another. Good, bad, worthy or unworthy, none of it matters as much as seeing the King in the eyes of those around us and serving them with our whole hearts and with all that He’s given us:

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me
Matt. 25: 35-36

JBB

070106-2025 I need to write. A lot has gone unspoken, mostly because I haven't done a very good job managing my time. Blah, blah, blah...

I've been sustaining myself via my almost daily listening to J. Vernon McGee's Thru the Bible Radio biblestudy. Lots of good stuff, but, for me, it doesn't seem to be doing it as far as maintaining my walk. Damn.

Add to that I've been having some "issues" as McGee has been working through the Old Testament books of Exodus and Leviticus. It's been many, many years since I've personally read through the passages. I mean, in the four years since renewing my connection with my faith I've yet to wake up thinking "I need to read Leviticus today." Anyway, my issue is that McGee's approach to the Old Testament is so tied to the New Testament that one might wonder if the Old Testament books can stand on there own at all. I'm not arguing whether the tabernacle and it items point to Christ and his ministry but there has to be an understanding of these passages that would have made sense to the contemporary Israelite trying to make it to the promise land.

Other issue I'm having is the belief that every product of humankind is an expression of sin, that there is nothing good in humanity. Ironically, I do seem to be on the low end of my walk, having separated myself from my prior church a bit more than a month ago, I don't know, I'm feeling the "scumminess" of having been "gone" too long, but I'm not particularly motivated by the idea that nothing I might do matters or is sinful. If I felt that that were the sum total of my life, it would be impossible to get out of bed in the morning. I know that a corner was turned in my life because I saw a glimpse of redeeming love, love that was open to me regardless of my worthiness or unworthiness.

1/7/07 11:38 am
I know what it is, it's being in a constant state of anxiety about life. It's the overwhelming sense of never measuring up, of always being a disappointment. If I'm such a horrendous waste of skin because of my imperfect human nature why does God even bother? Yes, He did it because He loves us... then what? I cannot escape my own humanity though He reaches down to lend me His hand. Isn't my end of the effort is ruined because I am what I am, a sinful, imperfect human being? That's the sense that I continually get, especially when my beloved J. Vernon is cruising through the Old Testament. Maybe this is an act of rebellion in and of itself, but I have to believe that there has to be some value to my life that doesn't begin and end because He loves me. There has to be something in the passion that drives me that matters and is worth spending the energy on. For myself I know that I have been given far too much to believe that everything I do is worthless bullshit except those things directly devoted to Him. JBB

Vineyard Xtreme, Lomita CA. This church was much further away than I had expected. I knew that they had there Sunday service in this coffee shop and became intrigued at the outreach possibilities if the church "was" the coffee shop and not just renting Sunday morning space. Alas, I didn't get a chance to find out. But it seemed like a really cool idea. Talk about really being a functioning part of the community. I remember hearing last summer that one of the local mefa-churches, Crossroads, had a really great coffee house on their campus and that that in itself drove "traffic" to the church. So coffee house church, that was the cool thing. Alas, being a bit far was only one reason why I'm not so sure about future invovlement.

I hate to admit it, but given my "experience" with long beach vineyard, I am more than a little sensitive about "small fellowships." I don't know what it is, but I told a friend that I was feeling tired of being in churches whose "glory days" were in the distant past. Maybe it's the "shrinking universe" syndrome, and perhaps that's a result of always being attracted to "under dog" churches. So, the coffee house churches, besides being small, seemed to be mostly one demographic, in this case late twenty-somethings. It's funny, especially being a long standing solo unattached rogue, but the thing I look for is how many whole families are involved. Ack. Onward and upward. JBB

I did something that I don't know that I've ever done before. I walked to church. Now that I think about it, I don't know how this worked as a kid. We were expected to walk to school, which was further away, but always drove to church. Of course, we were always running late and there were five kids to herd to church, versus the fact that we all trickled off to school at different times, so I guess piling into the car was a necessity. Then as an adult I have yet to live somewhere with an ol' country church with the white picket fence just around the corner. At least until now...

It's probably difficult for some to understand why walking to church is even worth writing about. I guess the best analogy is that it's like going on a first date and meeting someone new. I've written about this before but I'm out church shopping again and so all this business is about making changes in my life. Anyway, I was really excited and anxious about going to a new place and meeting new people and wondering if I'd like the music, If I could relate to the teaching, etc., etc., etc. Add to that it was a sunny and blistery morning and it's been my experience that windy days can effect humans like a bolt of electricity. So the windy day in combination with the anxiety of going to a new church kind'a got the creative juices flowing.


As the church itself, Citylights Community Church, I was pleasantly pleased with the music (although they could have had a few more songs in a row and fewer announcement interruptions, for my taste, but that's probably just me). I was also impressed with their attention to quality presentation (translation: good video running in the background on the projection screen during the talking points, and songs), friendliness of the greeters and their dedication to making a difference in Long Beach. I was impressed and encouraged. I have at least one other church that I want to visit before I'll be comfortable making a choice (their website was down this morning, thus, I didn't go there because I didn't know when and where they met.... word to the wise, don't let your site go down!!). Oh yeah, as new as the Citylights church is they have child-care and list three home fellowships. And, they're within walking distance of my apartment!!! JBB

music: Daily Giz Wiz 206: Roadmaster VR Wireless Backup Camera from the album "Daily GizWiz" by Dick DeBartolo with Leo Laporte

I got a Saturday night call last weekend to come back to Long Beach to lead music because Ron was sick. But this Sunday, because I was spending the night at my brother's place, I'm continuing my road-trip and I thought I'd spend my Sunday morning at Calvary Chapel Mission Viejo. Alas, Pastor Neil was sick this weekend, so the message was given by one of the associate pastors, Pastor Mark. So I'm "on the road," looking for a new church home, and while I'm not even considering whether to make Calvary Mission Viejo my new home, because it's so far away, I think it's good to step outside the little church box I've been in for the past 13-months.

Matt made a crack this morning when I left that I was going to be hanging out with the right-wing conservatives, and I know that that wasn't much different from the Vineyard-ites that I've been hanging with for the past four years. Then, when I've talked to fellow Vineyard-ite Juls about my concerns, the subject of worship music always comes up. I don't know. This morning at the Mission Viejo Calvary brought it back to that. They had a pretty good worship band and maybe I'm being an elitist worship snob but there seems to be an unbalanced mix in music between songs that are about how great God is and feel like they're meant to be sung to those who don't know how great God is and intimate songs meant to be sung to this awesome God. In fact, the worship leader almost got a little choked up when he was relating a story about a Chinese Christian who had suffered for his faith, and I could tell that the other worship team members were a bit thrown off by this. This made me wonder if I was suffering from some kind of niche Christianity requirement, like how a Panda can only survive only on bamboo.

Alas, as much as I love the idea of being a part of a growing fellowship with a whole directory of persons heading up more than a dozen ministries, I'm thinking that I'm going to have to just go with the place where worship is more than a warm-up act for the pastor's message. Okay, now I'm being snobby (BTW, the associate pastor at Calvary had a great message this morning). Oh yeah, as I'm writing this I'm reminded, when I visited the church website, I had a heck of a time finding out when the Sunday morning services were. I checked on a Saturday, so the page told me when their Saturday services were, but it wasn't originally clear where I was supposed to click to find out when the Sunday services were. Ack. Onward and upward.... JBB

It's been over a year since my last visit to this place. I have very fond memories of my time here. First shock was that there were fewer rows of chairs set out in the sanctuary, by a little less than half. I remember that we rarely filled all the rows when I was last here. But I guess, over the past year the empty seats had gotten to the point where fewer rows of seats made sense. That's kind of sad. I wasn't here back in the "hey day," but I had a definite impression that the attendance and community was a much smaller shell of its former self. Having gone through what I've just experienced w/ the Long Beach Vineyard, I'm probably overly sensitive to an ever shrinking universe. My brother joked when I told him four years ago that I was going to a vineyard, "Oh, I heard they were closing churches" (the local vineyard having just sold its property to the Mission Viejo Calvary Chapel). Ack.

The next thing that got me was that the worship band, the band that I had missed so badly these past months, was reduced to keys, drums and acoustic guitar. We used to have to share monitors because there were more players than monitors. The music was still great, but I missed seeing the drummer and bass player carrying the groove, keys and lead guitar filling out the sound, and Laurie and Keith's beautiful vocals taking us into His presence. Admittedly, it wasn't always great, and there were painful experiences, but it was a lot of fun.

It's so sad. John McClure is such a great teacher and pastor. Part of me doesn't understand why the room isn't crowded out to the doors. It's sad. I need to spend more time praying for his fellowship. JBB

With the door to the future now wide open, I thought I'd drop a note to my former worship leader/mentor:

Hey bro,

How goes things? I think the last time we communicated you'd just taken a new job at Orange Coast, or one of the colleges in the West OC area. I hope that that has worked out and that things are going well for you and Michelle. I'm in my second year teaching computers to middle school kids and I have to say that for whatever reason it is 100% better the second year (last year was a real bitch... sorry, no better way to describe the experience). Alas, I'm sorry to say that things at my local Vineyard are not so promising.

We switched pastors last Spring when the former pastor took a teaching job on the East Coast and since then our poor little group has shrunk down to myself, the other worship leader, the pastor, his wife and a rotating group of two to six other souls. On more than one occasion ten O'clock has rolled around and it's just been the four of us. I've been playing on the worship "team" for the past year and over the summer the other leader and I started rotating Sundays leading (which usually just meant who's turn it was to pick the music because we both tried to play support for each other). Anyway, after lots of prayer and soul-searching I've decided to pack up my electric guitar and begin looking for another fellowship to join.I know that sounds very cold but after talking about connecting with another Vineyard, looking to make our church into more of a "church plant" for months we were still staring at one another and I didn't want to wait until I showed up some Sunday and be the only one to show up. I have learned a lot, and have so much respect for everyone that is required to make a little fellowship happen. The typical Southern California drive-by Christian has no idea. Anyway, I guess I'm looking for a new home (again).

In the meantime (while the Lord does His wonders), I'm thinking of swinging by Newport the next few Sundays (11/12 and/or 11/19)... I know this is probably not really "doable," but I'd really love to "sit in" with the Newport team some Sunday. After working solo or with a 2nd acoustic guitar player you have no idea how much I miss drums and Jonathan's bass (much less all the other vital parts that made working with you guys such a great treat). Anyway, with or without my tele', I'll probably be there the middle two weeks of November. Hope to see you soon, the sojourner still looking for a home, JBB

I'm lonely and want to be "a part of." Funny that the only apparent solution for this dilemma is to separate myself from the few that I do know, to venture out to a "better land" where I might find the comfort that my heart desires. It's time.

When I made the Vineyard Long Beach my home church 13 months ago it would have been too small had I required a church where a significant other and her children would be able to attend and find ministries to suit their needs. But being the lone rogue all I needed was good music and good teaching. Oh yeah, I knew I needed to plug into an accountability group, especially if I was going to play music. So it really was too small a year ago when we had three rows of seats occupied. There have been a number of times over the past three months when there were only three of us (the other worship leader, the pastor and moi) at 10 when church was supposed to begin. I joked one Sunday when it was just the three of us and a single attendee, "So what's your take on the Rapture again?" That was funny. But now the joke has gotten to the point where I miss the fellowship of hanging out with the other band members like I did at Newport, or just the weekly discussions and teaching in Santa Ana with Chris and the gang. I'm not looking for an audience, just a functioning family. JBB

The last few months have been a bit difficult at church because our numbers continue to be around six (counting myself, the other worship leader, the pastor and his wife!). I know last summer my mindset was very much about improving the website to help "advertise" that we were even around in Long Beach. And then I thought that maybe part of the solution was to use the website itself as a kind of virtual community, especially for those who couldn't make weekly meetings etc. The crux of my thinking was that I felt like we needed more than a Sunday only thing happening and I was hoping (at least for a few minutes) that the numbers could be bolstered and community built online. Ha. That's funny. We're not a tech-savvy group, so going in that direction wasn't going to happen. So, the focus has continued to be about Sunday morning in our little room in the Lakewood "Y," and a different set of two to six shows up every Sunday.

One good thing that's come out of this is that I have a new appreciation for the work that it takes to build a church. I've spent a lot of Sunday mornings talking to Ron (the other or main worship leader) listening to what it took when he worked with a prior pastor to build the church. Alas, it took much much more than just showing up on Sunday. I mean, I know that I can literally spend days working through my little set of six songs, as would a pastor spend on prayerfully creating a message. But what I didn't previously appreciate is that a pastor wanting to build a fellowship would spend his hours in the community, listening to the needs and concerns of those whom he'd want to bring into the fellowship. According to Ron, a prior pastor and a team spent weeks cold-calling neighborhood folks on the phone, going through the directory to see what they'd be interested in regarding having a local Vineyard in the neighborhood. In a sense, it made it clear to me that it's not enough to put up a big sign saying that "we're here" (even on the Internet), but one has to actively go out into the community, engage them in conversation and invite them in. What a concept.

Funny, I'd spent years in countless little Calvary Chapels in my first "go-around" and the ones that flourished were the ones that... well, number one, that were never one-man-shows. Those little one-man-shows might have been okay, but everyone of them disappeared. Granted I wasn't anywhere near a permanent part of any community, usually 'cause i was just home from college for the weekend, such that I didn't even notice such things as the relationship between the church and the surrounding community living next to the church. Granted, I grew up in the Catholic Church, where one was serving some world-wide organization and didn't ask silly things about "growing the church" (I mean, the Catholic way is just to have more babies, and there were always more babies). So, I never really appreciated the work involved in keeping a church running. It's not enough to say a few quick prayers over the course of the week, and just show up on Sunday and expect it all to work. JBB

I’ve been sitting on this parable for over a week (or longer...). The last one (“The Ten Virgins”) seemed to speak about having an active sense of preparedness. What I liked was something that I understood from the “IVP Hard Sayings” commentary, that the foolish virgins’ error was something they could learn from and at the next wedding feast they had the possibility of acting on what they’d learned the last time. This parable doesn’t offer such a concluding consolation. That really bothered me. More than that, it seemed like the message of this parable was that if one didn’t DO than one would lose ones place in the kingdom. How can that be? How can one be a servant of the Lord and then be thrown out because they didn’t DO something? What happened to grace or even learning from ones errors? Getting tossed out “where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth” hardly sounds like a “an opportunity” to learn from ones mistakes.

I consulted several commentaries including the legendary Matthew Henry’s.I have a remnant memory from my days as a religious studies and biblical studies major that said that, unless the speaker explains the symbolism behind the parts of a parable, then the focus should remain on the point of the story. In the parable about the ten virgins Matthew Henry wanted to find a spiritual message in every component of the story. I’m under no such illusion that there is a “deeper” lever to the story, except to stick to the point of the story. Alas, that was seemed like little help because I still got stuck on the notion (from MH) that one could get thrown out of the Kingdom of Heaven for failure to perform.

I reflected on the point of the previous parable, which was not about learning from ones errors but about preparedness to the point of action. There’s no knowing whether Jesus shared the two parables in sequential order, but clearly Matthew saw enough of a connection to put them together. So if the first was about preparedness to the point of action, then this one dug underneath the preparedness and exposed the belief that then led to preparedness to the point of action. That is, the first two servants believed and acted based on that belief and their belief was not dependent on direct observation by the master but was active even though their master was not present. Their actions were motivated by what they believed. And even the third servant acted based on what he believed, unfortunately for that servant he did not do what his master wanted him to do, and thus suffered the consequence. Okay, “action based on one’s beliefs, even in the absence of the inforcement of the one in charge.” This is not about grace. In some ways this is about the visible fruits or actions that come from what is in ones heart.

There’s also something in here about the Master knowing the character of his servants and thus tasking them based on their capacities and skills. For me, it’s been a long-standing motivation that one serves based on what the Lord has given his servants. Our culture elevates those in front, especially when it has something to do with music and performance, as if it were all from the performer that they have the voice or musical skills that they demonstrate. But I believe that we do because we have been given and to do less than our best or to strive to do less than our best disrespects the Creator who originally gives such gifts to His children.

For nearly a third of my life I was the third servant who hid the gift I’d been given in a hole in the ground because I was disgruntaled and felt disconnected from the Master. That changed because I got a second chance and saw just a glimpse of what real love means. Alas, I still struggle daily with the gap between the wonders of knowing my Master’s touch in my life and being just another guy trying to get through the day, trying to screw up as little as possible, trying to embrace my imperfect humanity and trust that my Master has something better for me than I what I seem to scrape together from day to day. In the end I know that I need to do better because I’ve already been given so much. JBB 10/12/2006

Last time I went to the Anaheim Vineyard I got prayed over and might have been given a word about having a sense of abandonment. At the time things seemed to be going pretty well and that part of the word made me wonder whether the word was really for me. So, here I sit in the parking lot of the YMCA on Sunday morning at 8:30 waiting for someone to show up so that I can go inside to set up my gear for the morning worship. Okay, maybe I'm feeling a little abandoned. Well, at least there's a nice breeze and I have a chance to listen to the songs that I've picked out for this morning while I write this entry and wait for a gate-keeper to show up.

I am getting really tired of feeling like I'm still a stranger in a strange land. I told the other worship leader two weeks ago that if my objective for switching to this church was to find a place where I could get involved in more than the "Sunday morning" experience and get plugged into a home study, then I've failed. Oops... someone's just shown up... to be continued.

Okay, there is a level where I'm responsible for getting myself out the door of my apartment and meeting with my brothers and sisters on a regular basis. The fact that my church doesn't really have that set up (at the moment) isn't really an excuse. In fact it only points out that there are a dozen or so of my fellow church goers who are most likely in the same predicament. So what do we do? Well, I asked the pastor and his wife if they could put together a church directory so that we might have better communication with one another and all that. That part was done, ah, so there's no excuse for only having Sunday only communications. But the reality is that even Ron and I, who have to work with each other every Sunday, tend to wait until Sunday to communicate or contact one another. Ack.

The other thing, which is an ongoing concern, is that it's kind'a silly for me to think about where my real "church home" is without factoring in that I want to have Juls with me at my church. If the idea is to be part of a real living community, I don't plan on having that without Juls. And quite frankly, it'd be silly for her to consider going anywhere where there isn't provisions for her two boys. I mean, there are active members of my small church who aren't bringing their kids because there's nothing for them there. Granted, all of this is really difficult for a body that averages less than 10 participants on any given Sunday. Then again, maybe we have the wrong idea expecting "full service" churches where every need is met beyond some sense of community, sunday worship and a sermon. Okay, I couldn't finish that sentence without flipping the idea on it's head and thinking that there is a problem with a "consumer-oriented" expectation, that things should community-oriented as far as it NOT being about Sunday morning "entertainment." But this is still quite difficult to manage with such a small group. The last thing, that has to do with this "consumer-oriented" thing, is that if there's a need what's stopping me (or others) from filling that need? Ugh. On top of all of this, I just got a postcard last week from a church starting up just down the street from me, that is a plant from one of the big churches around the corner from where my church meets. Ack. JBB

I had always taken these verses to be similar to the warning in the previous chapter (Matt. 24:36-41), “One will be taken and one will be left.” (of course the Matt. 24 verses don’t seem to mean what I used to believe back in the “waitin’ for the Rapture” days). Or maybe this is like the final separation between the sheep and goats when the Son of Man comes in his glory (Matt. 25:31-33)? The IVP-Hard Saying Commentary (25:11–12 Why Were the Virgins Shut Out?) casts a very different light, putting the passage back into its “villiage” context (versus a bigger escatological one). We’re left not with a passage about getting shut out of the kingdom of God because the virgins did something dumb (in which case I might as well get ready for sitting outside every “marriage feast” in His coming kingdom). But we have a warning to be prepared. I was tempted to say that one should have an eye to the Future, but then that would be contrary to the Lord’s comments about letting the day take care of itself (from the Beatitudes in Matt. 6:25-27).

I guess the point is that the wise virgins knew (possibly from previous experience that may not have gone so well) that the groom might very well be delayed and so they needed to have enough oil for such an event. They acted on what they knew (which works with the parable that follows) and as a result they were brought into the wedding feast. The others either didn’t know or didn’t act on what they knew and the end result was not fun, they missed the party. The IVP commentary notes that there would be other wedding feasts and hopefully the five foolish ones would learn from their error. This doesn’t take away from Jesus’ message of being prepared. That gives me hope that I can learn from my mistakes and at the same time be ready for the kingdom of God. Also, being prepared isn’t about the stuff (the oil) as much as the state of mind (readiness) and acting on it (believing to the point of action). But it all starts with person. Oh yeah, one interesting thing here is that when the bridegroom was delay all ten virgins fell asleep, including the ones who were wise (prepared). So “preparedness” isn’t anxious inhuman behavior that keeps one from doing normal things like sleeping, but appropriate readiness that leads to action (and then sleep). I just keep remembering the part of the old boy scout pledge: “Be Prepared.” I think it fits in this parable. Jesus was a boy scouts. JBB

A friend who has been working on her teaching credential, while working full-time as a librarian at a local elementary school sent the following story to me. Somehow it seemed really appropriate to share on the day before the new school begins...

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and then you tell me...

I CAN'T PRAY?"

I hope and pray that we all have a great school year. JBB

J. Vernon McGee is going to lap me... ugh. I guess that's the difference between covering a chapter a day and a chapter every couple of weeks. I should be moving much faster than this. [sigh]

I was listening to a podcast about the work being done by "open source" programmers and the guy mentioned how these guys usually spend two-hours a night of their own time creating and supporting their programs, just for the love of it. Two-hours a night, I don' t know that I really dedicate that much time to anything... well, except staring at this computer screen thinking about things to write about. It makes me wonder about the things that are meaningful to us and what we spend our lives doing.

Given all the distractions of our "modern lives," I have to wonder how much time people put in to reading and studying their bibles. I know that I really like listening to J. Vernon McGee every day, but I also feel like I need to be doing a deeper study for myself on an ongoing basis. And I'm just this single guy living by myself with no responsibilities. How do others manage this? JBB